What We Don't Know About Apology
Today, there is a brief story about apology gone wrong, then highlights from a smart article detailing what often gets in the way of a critically important apology. And finally, two quick thoughts to consider. Here we go….
A female friend (at the time) years ago once told me a story about her boss, a judge, and how he attempted to ‘make right’ after saying something hurtful. My friend said the judge, in trying to show remorse for his actions, did something nice for her.
My friend’s response? She didn’t come across as angry. She seemed mildly disappointed. Why? The judge’s gesture missed the mark with her, not because it wasn’t an honest effort on his behalf and nice of him to do, but because his admission of hurtful behavior wasn’t in the form that another person, an employee and his personal assistant, wanted and needed.
What she most sought was a sincere apology and show of understanding and compassion. Here’s what she also told me about the story.
“You know those people who can’t (bring themselves to) apologize, who do something nice because it’s easier for them?”
Me: I do. How do you feel about it?
Her: (sigh) I know he’s trying. He feels bad. It would be nicer though if he would tell me ‘I’m sorry’ and why so.
I doubt she told him this later. Since my friend was not angry, her boss may never realize the scar and disappointment was still there and not healed, as he hoped and likely now assumed.
Maybe if my friend valued the form of apology her boss offered, it would have resonated well with her. But that was a blind try, in my professional opinion, because he didn’t know for certain what she expected and thus, was unlikely to deliver what would problem solve.
His attempt at healing a hurt had low odds at success. His default habit of not aligning with what the moment most needed was a failed strategy.
What he would have benefitted more from doing was initiating healing communication through words, exhibiting empathy, making a sensitive confession of remorse and listening to how she was impacted and felt. This would have been a show of admirable character, allowed him to listen and learn about what was necessary.
Lesson? Seeking to learn someone’s apology language, as in how they feel respected and made whole or ‘made right’ as possible in their mind, can prove to be a superpower.
When this is process is pursued, people notice. They do. The show of strength is clearly recognized, deeply appreciated, highly respected and the correct medicine for most disputes, conflicts and relationships.
Since many people and organizations fall short doing this, if you learn to do it and choose to do it well, you will stand out easily and brightly.
Art Markman, Ph.D., is a professor of Psychology and Marketing at the University of Texas at Austin and Founding Director of the Program in the Human Dimensions of Organizations.
Back in 2019, he wrote an interesting and valuable article that you might like, entitled, “Why Men Like Joe Biden Find it So Difficult to Apologize.”
Setting aside the man in the headline and focusing on the takeaways will be most helpful. What I most found informative and educational was when Markman wrote about intention and power.
Intention
“In some cases, the person who did something wrong focuses primarily on their intention when performing an action rather than the action itself. When people believe that their intentions are pure, it is hard for them to apologize, because they believe that the consequences of their actions were not really their fault.”
Power
“On top of that, prominent people are often in a position of power. It can be difficult for people to see how their power influences the behavior of people around them.
“For example, many of the women that came forward to talk about lewd actions that the comedian Louis CK performed in front of them talked about how difficult it was to deal with the situation, because he had the potential to influence their careers.”
Apology
“Apologizing requires recognizing that the influence of the action is actually more important than the intention. If you have created a bad situation with your actions, then your intentions don’t matter much. You made a mess and you have to clean it up.
“In addition, power creates two barriers to apology. One is that it requires owning up to the recognition that you have abused your power. People are often reluctant to face that.
“In addition, apologizing to someone and making a sincere promise to change actually shifts power from to the person who was wronged. It requires a person in a position of power to change his intentions and actions as a result of an accusation from a position who previously had less power. People in power are reluctant to give it up.”
Final Thoughts
“No matter who you are, it is important to be willing to engage in a true apology going all the way from ‘I’m sorry’ to an expression of how you will change and what you will do to fix the problem.
“Success at work requires maintaining good relationships. No matter where you are on the food chain at work, you are guaranteed to make mistakes—and some of those mistakes will hurt the people around you.
“The people around you will respect you if you get a reputation for acknowledging your mistakes quickly and working to improve your behavior. On top of that, the more work you do to improve your behavior, the fewer mistakes you will make in the long-term.”
Caught my attention this week, Part 1:
“Even imperfect reputations have value, and even those who haven’t lived lives of spotless virtue don’t deserve to be defined by those who find profit in sly cultural stereotypes.”
Christine Flowers, attorney and writer
Talking about the Johnny Depp vs. Amber Heard defamation trial
Caught my attention this week, Part 2:
"There's often a rush to judgment in moments of uncertainty."
Unknown
Of course we know this happens yet do we always consider how we and others might miscalculate in that judgment and how it drives subsequent reactions or more well reasoned responses?
Definitely not, probably not or possibly yes?
Reputation Notes is written by Michael Toebe, founder and specialist of Reputation Quality, a practice serving successful individuals and organizations, helping them further build reputation as an asset or when necessary, ethically protecting, restoring or reconstructing its health and strength. I write Reputation Specialist and am a media source on the topic.