Trust and Reputation Error: Putting a Spin on Our Behavior and the Criticism
It doesn't help us. It increases negativity and distrust. Problems continue.
There is no argument that some people get wrongly judged, where the facts don’t align with public perception. There is another reality: many more people choose to problematically deflect from their clear misbehavior and when consequences emerge, they believe that they have been mistreated.
That struggle and decision doesn’t help them. It leads to long-continuing pain.
It’s embarrassing and painful to suffer a loss of appreciation, status and opportunities when we no longer are considered respectful, trustworthy and likable. How we respond is all that we can control, yet not all that we can influence.
Former entertainment star Ellen DeGeneres is going through the thick of it now.
“After some former workers on her talk show made allegations of a toxic workplace culture, the star — who ended every episode by telling viewers to ‘be kind to one another’ — was dubbed as ‘mean’ in the media,” reported the BBC.
“Following the scandal, three producers were sacked amid allegations of misconduct and sexual harassment, and the final season of the show opened with Ellen giving an on-air apology.”
DeGeneres’ Peace hasn’t been the Same Since
She recently spoke of her pain:
"I don't think I can say anything that's ever going to get rid of that (reputation) or dispel it, which is hurtful to me. I hate it,” DeGeneres emoted.
“I hate that people think that I'm that because I know who I am and I know that I'm an empathetic, compassionate person."
DeGeneres knows who the best parts of herself are and that she can be and is empathetic and compassionate. She doesn’t “know” the lesser parts of herself and when she is 180 degrees maybe from being kind and caring.
DeGeneres can take the necessary steps to significantly improve the unwanted negativity enveloping her name, which would help her reduce the hurt she feels and is suffering and not have to “hate” how she is judged.
The Struggle
Her challenge is realizing what happened to others in her presence, how those people were impacted by her behavior, what to do know to help improve how they see her and then be willing to do it, thoroughly and sufficiently.
That’s an approach most people find too overwhelming to consider or do. DeGeneres seems stuck in that common mindset trap.
On a 2024 tour and accompanying Netflix stand-up special, she talked more about what doesn’t resonate with her.
"It's as simple as, I'm a direct person, and I'm very blunt, and I guess sometimes that means that... I'm mean?"
DeGeneres can vent yet it comes across as “me” focused when those whom complained — and the larger part of the court of public opinion — feels she is putting a spin on her behavior.
Most people recognize the difference between someone who is direct and someone who is regularly rude and lacking in social awareness, empathy and self awareness.
Look at it this Way
Critics of DeGeneres are being “blunt” in their communication about her. She doesn’t like it. It hurts her. Does that mean that “they’re mean?” DeGeneres is implying that yes, it is, unfair and mean.
She can’t see that maybe she too acted in this manner because it’s too painful to learn and accept this about herself.
That’s understandable. Yet the mental processing and grief is preventing her from doing what is necessary and helpful to improve what people think about DeGeneres, which could lessen her pain and emotional and psychological suffering.
Another Unforced Error
DeGeneres has said that it is "kind of crazy" that saying someone is mean "can be the worst thing that you say about a woman.”
She is communicating, indirectly yet strongly, that being a woman and strong is why she is in the unhappy place that she is now, yet those who complained and those in media who reported on it were not all males.
It’s important to note as well the times in which we live. What was long enabled and hidden is now exposed and often socially and financially forces the hands of the highest-level decision makers. DeGeneres knows it.
The pain and yes, the bitterness remains strong.
"How dare us have any kind of mood, or you can't be anything other than nice and sweet and kind and submissive and complacent,” she said.
Would DeGeneres allow someone in power over her to communicate that gaslighting and find it “right” or tolerable?
The Feelings and Conclusions
She feels wrongly punished and unsupported. Maybe, to some degree, there is truth to those feelings. No one likes to be harmed for perceptions or seemingly, reasonable behavior. That doesn’t appear to be the case however.
DeGeneres doesn’t deny her approach. She’s denying the impact it had on people.
She is pushing back on how it made people felt. She’s pushing back on the expectation that not only she conduct herself professionally and respectfully but also that she walk the walk and not just talk the talk about her known suggestion to be kind to each other.
DeGeneres can’t move through and out of her pain without coming to realize what specifically she needs to think and do and then do it.
She can reject those social requirements of conflict repairs, reasonable and maybe some, not so reasonable, yet doing so assures that nothing improves and DeGeneres is left to remain in her emotional, psychological pit.
It’s a choice at this point. A painful one yet a doable one. She showed grit to “make it” as an entertainer and succeed for decades. She has the strength to overcome. She just has to program her mind correctly to do it.
DeGeneres might be pleasantly surprised by the outcomes if she will again be humble, as in the beginning, and do the expected work to achieve goals and dreams.
Michael Toebe is a reputation and communications specialist at Reputation Intelligence and writes the Reputation Intelligence newsletter here on Substack and on LinkedIn. He helps individuals and organizations proactively and responsively with matters of trust, stakeholder relationships and reputation.
He has been a reporter for newspapers and radio, hosted a radio talk show, written for online business magazines, been a media source, helped people work through disputes, conflicts and crises and assisted clients with communications to further build, protect, restore and reconstruct reputation. LinkedIn profile.
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