Sometimes Hurting People Want Relief More Than Explanations
Detailing the solution doesn't solve people's problems and satisfy needs
INSIGHT: When people are in pain, they care little, if at all, about the explanation.
What they want to know is that you care, that their pain matters to you too. They also want know what you are going to do about it and then see you do it so they experience the relief they want, and expect.
Succeed at it, with a humble, kind attitude and you mitigate anger, and increase odds of protecting or restoring your reputation.
So communicate that you “get it” and that you care and will promptly attend to the problem if you want but more importantly, get things done so as to unlock the answers that can solve problems and help people.
Because otherwise, it’s extremely difficult and unattractive for people to listen to, or trust you. They often won’t care a whit about anything you are saying until they feel relief from their pain and emotions.
Yet when that happens, emotions can change and reputation has a chance to improve.
The core message in the following conclusion carries a lot of truth and invaluable advice:
"Sinners often speak the truth. And saints have led people astray. Examine what is said, not the one who says it."
Anthony de Mello
Late Indian Jesuit priest and psychotherapist
Awakening
The point? Setting aside the religious connection to the statement, de Mello pointed out something that can and does happen, even if only occasionally: people with poor reputations can sometimes be providing facts and telling the truth and we don’t believe them and don’t want to believe them. And people with good reputations are not always as trustworthy as we believe or want to believe. Yes, they can be deceiving and flat-out liars.
The latter group of people know they have the halo effect, not the horn effect, so being deceptive becomes much easier and more likely.
It’s wise to keep this knowledge in the back of our minds for moments that will benefit us remembering it.
How about this headline: Man's negative reviews on Google, Yelp cost him $90,000 in defamation case
How much?!
That has to be an error, no? Regrettably for that man, it’s his reality: a nearly six-figure legal judgment against him.
So what’s the story here? And the takeaways?
Reportedly, Tyler Ginther posted the negative reviews about Longhouse Specialty Forest Products, communicating that the company was fraudulent and deceitful.
Ginther claimed, “the company defrauded, scammed or deceived him by charging him for cedar siding they knew he had not ordered. He argued at trial that what he had said was true,” reporter Keith Fraser wrote in the Vancouver Sun.
The judge didn’t see it that way and ruled Ginther defamed the company.
While Longhouse Specialty Forest Products didn’t get the $675,000+ it sought in the lawsuit, the judge did award the plaintiff family $60,000 in general damages, $20,000 for the company and $5,000 each for the aggravated damages.
Ginther escaped being financially punished for punitive damages or special costs.
“I find that Mr. Ginther acted with malice ("connotes spite or ill-will) when he posted the Yelp review. As noted, he admitted that his intention was to harm the plaintiffs’ business,” the judge explained.
Bernard Lau, a lawyer for the plaintiffs, explained what pain was suffered.
“It was a very difficult time for them when the posts came out, particularly as they come from a close-knit community in Parksville and the false allegations about them and their integrity put them through a lot of unnecessary stress and impacted their business and personal lives greatly,” said Lau.
The legal takeaway:
“Lau said he hopes the case serves as a reminder that posting comments online, even in the context of an ‘innocuous’ Google review, has real-world consequences and possibly even significant financial ramifications,” Fraser reported.
Vital lesson number two:
Ginther, in frustration and anger, maybe even reasonable, learned that in trying to hurt a family’s reputation and business, hurt his own reputation, in the courts and the public record, and harmed himself financially.
He likely had no idea that he wouldn’t be seen as a “credible witness” by the judge.
Expressing his anger was not what got him in legal hot water. It was the claims made that the court decided was more than permissible opinion. It was defamation.
"The reality is we've got some learning to do."
Brian Kelly
Head football coach, Louisiana State University (LSU)
How quickly and humbly we can come to realize this — that “we’ve got some learning to do” — and how well we commence to seeking further education, insights and solutions — in our personal and professional lives, goes a long ways towards determining the quality of our future and those we lead or are otherwise around us.
REMINDER: “Greatness doesn't mean goodness. I've met a lot of ‘great’ people and most of them weren't great people."
Mike Tyson
Some “greats” are good people of course yet it’s not hidden truth that not all of them are, as Tyson has learned from his experiences.
He might even admit that at one time, as world-wide great and famous as he was, Tyson himself was not an example of “goodness” or “great people.”
‘He’s had to work on it and knows who he does, and doesn’t want to be.
As you become more successful, what is your character, and the reputation aligned with it, becoming?
Not everyone observes themselves through the clear lens of humility, asks this question and seeks an objective answer.
However, it's a checkup wise to regularly conduct.
You might just thank yourself one day.
Michael Toebe is the creator of Reputation Notes and founder and reputation specialist at Reputation Quality, a practice that serves and helps successful individuals and organizations in further building reputation as an asset and when necessary, ethically and successfully protecting, restoring and reconstructing it.
NOTE: if you would like to be interviewed for the newsletter and can talk about important, interesting and insightful matters of reputation, you can contact me at Michael.Toebe@Reputation-Quality.com.
NOTE II: If you have reputation-related questions you’d like answered in this newsletter you are welcome to ask them.
I can-and-will grant you anonymity if that’s important to you.