Reject the Bait; Master the Exit
Being cognizant of the reality associated with the risks and emotions is extremely important in high-stress moments
We’re emotional beings who carry with us a strong sense of right and wrong and what we think or know is the proper decision and behavior in a moment and we’ve all lived a life where we have felt someone was being unreasonable, selfish and out of line.
We’ve also likely handled those situations in different ways, sometimes honorably and with self control, other times skillfully de-escalating tension and regrettably, also unimpressively and poorly.
Robert Glazer published an important, smart article today about tense situations with other people, our temptations and what is almost always a better decision and why.
In brief, he details an experience that he, his wife and their friends had that left them puzzled about how another person was acting. As their disappointment and frustration grew, Glazer realized a choice presented itself: be passive aggressive, be confrontational (at least verbally) or leave the scene. He was driving so he and they decided to depart.
That decision resulted in some temporary problems for him and his party yet that was a low cost to pay overall, even if their emotions led them to possibly believe otherwise.
Glazer detailed what he came to conclude after some clear thought.
“What I do know is this: when the downside far outweighs the upside, often the smartest decision is to walk away. Too often, too many of us let pride or anger push us into fights that aren’t worth the risk,” he wrote.
If we haven’t learned this ourselves we sure have witnessed and judge others for it. They fought too hard when the smart “play” was to cool the emotions sufficiently to disconnect from the “fight.”
“We escalate situations that could easily be defused, at the cost of our time, peace of mind or reputation,” Glazer wrote. “Every viral video of a public freakout on a plane or in a grocery store or on a sidewalk, started because someone decided to escalate things in a moment where escalation gained them very little.”
He’s correct. At what cost did these people’s dissatisfaction come and maybe, in the past, ours too? Likely, way too high a price had to be paid.
People aren’t always managing risk well when they are giving into adrenaline surges and either-or, binary thinking and emotional flooding where our triggers are driving the “mad machine.”
The viral videos are people who have lost control of their executive function.
We think, “oh, I’m never like that” or “that can’t and won’t happen to me.” And for most of us, it won’t happen to us because we catch ourselves before it’s too late. For some of us, we make regrettable errors, sometimes horribly regrettable.
It can Happen to Many of Us
As I write this, I remember a terrible moment with a client two decades ago. It still makes me cringe when I think about how stupidly and recklessly I fought “the good fight” of what was ethical.
It didn’t matter what was said or done by the other person and company, what was factual, I reacted poorly, as in acted the fool and lost because of it. It was not a battle that could be won and I would have benefitted in different ways from walking away.
There were other instances of similar situations, just different contexts.
Some disagreements, wrongdoing and battles, no matter how noble to discuss, negotiate, appeal to reason or fight, are not going to create positive momentum and be resolved. The resistance will be an overpowering force.
Sometimes, we have to teach ourselves to resign ourselves that unethical or immoral power, regardless of how truthful and critical the attempt in those situations.
“I’ve seen people lose relationships, business opportunities, even careers,” Glazer wrote, “because they insisted on winning battles that didn’t matter in the long run.”
We can be awfully shortsighted when our emotions are in overdrive and ego is overheating. Winning the moment is often overcommitting to the battle, not thinking about the costs or, figuratively speaking, the casualties, which can be what Glazer detailed: relationships, business opportunities and careers.
There are many more causalities, such as respect, trust, status and relationships.
It’s understandable when we get pushed to our limits, of course. The world and people in it don’t always make sense. People aren’t always reasonable, thoughtful, unselfish and kind.
“We all have a sense of fairness and it’s natural to want to right wrongs when we see them,” Glazer admitted, “but sometimes it’s best to let things be, especially when the price of acting may be high.”
Letting things be can seem impossible yet we can teach ourselves, with consistent practice, to let things like foolish fights be.
“In poker, the best players know when to fold a seemingly strong hand,” Glazer wrote. “In life, it’s often the same. Sometimes the real win is walking, or driving, away.”
Don’t take the bait, no matter how strongly it feels like it is pulling you in towards it.
Protect your mind, credibility, trust, reputation and all that those items protect for you.
Michael Toebe is a reputation and communications specialist at Reputation Intelligence and writes the Reputation Intelligence newsletter here on Substack and on LinkedIn. He helps individuals and organizations proactively and responsively with matters of trust, stakeholder relationships and reputation.
He has been a reporter for newspapers and radio, hosted a radio talk show, written for online business magazines, been a media source, helped people work through disputes, conflicts and crises and assisted clients with communications to further build, protect, restore and reconstruct reputation.
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