Overcoming Our Defense Mechanisms
The wisdom of a recommended three-prong approach
I stumbled across a well organized, highly informative, interesting and valuable article that affects us in our personal and professional lives.
THE TOP 10 DEFENSE MECHANISMS
HOW TO SPOT SELF-DEFEATING HABITS THAT ARE HOLDING YOU BACK
The article is best read, in my opinion, in more than one sitting, yet if your focus is intense and you are engrossed in reading it, one sitting can certainly do.
I won’t touch on the defense mechanisms here though. I will focus instead on what’s at the end of the piece: How to Overcome Defense Mechanisms.
Here is the three-pronged approach recommended in that article:
Become More Self Aware
Take Responsibility
Break the Patterns
First, becoming more self aware: “Defense mechanisms are a way of avoiding your true feelings. They tend to crop up as a way to protect ourselves when we feel vulnerable.”
We feel vulnerable at times. That’s real, based on our life experiences, trauma and how we processed all of it cognitively.
“The first step to overcoming (defense mechanisms) is accepting that you’re using them in the first place. Once you’re able to recognize when you’re using them, you can dig deeper to identify your emotions.”
No one likes to really stop and dig and identify and examine our emotions. It’s work and unpalatable at that, yet it’s important if we want to grow through defense mechanisms that ironically, hurt us too.
“Allow your feelings to communicate with you. Let them say what they need to say. Then (positively) act to change your situation, instead of burying how you feel.”
Why is this critical and how does this intelligence work well?
“Once you identify how you’re coping with stress or negative situations, you can more easily change your state. Over time, you’ll be able to handle your problems more directly, which will help lead you to feeling more fulfilled overall.”
Next, taking responsibility: “Defense mechanisms are often a way of placing the blame on something outside of ourselves. We believe that things are being done to us, rather than taking responsibility for our own part in our circumstances.”
Yes, there are unquestionably times things are “being done to us.” Absolutely. I don’t think the writer is disagreeing with that reality. I do think they are saying that when things are not being done to us, and we habitually respond defensively, that’s when we have to realize our reaction is unhelpful and keeping us stuck.
“To become more, you must accept that you cannot control the way others act.”
Deeply uncomfortable truth, as frustrating or maddening as it is to understand!
“You can control the way that you react. You can control your own emotions.”
Finally, breaking the patterns: “Humans are creatures of habit. We all get stuck in patterns, and they often don’t serve us.”
This is big, really big. We do get stuck in patterns. We don’t even realize it. We’re so regularly on autopilot in life, especially when we react defensively. Yet those defense mechanisms intended to protect us, in reality keep us a prisoner of reaction. We are not getting stronger and living more powerfully.
“Once you learn to take responsibility for your own emotions, you’re ready to break those patterns and stop using defense mechanisms.”
Not sure about you but for me that was some cold water in the face. Woke me up.
Habits. We have positive, empowering ones and negative, disempowering ones. We usually easily recognize the former and disbelieve the latter.
“Everyone deals with defense mechanisms – it’s only natural. But when you rely too heavily on these defense mechanisms and make excuses when you could be making progress, it’s time to analyze your behavior and change your ways.”
Habits can significantly impact human interactions, important relationships, careers and our desired well-being far more than we realize. We just don’t see how our habits are hurting us.
Michael Toebe is the founder and specialist at Reputation Quality, serving and helping successful individuals and organizations further build trust and reputation as an “asset” or ethically, responsibly protect, restore or reconstruct its strength.