Lying to Exploit People's Compassion
Many people don't get caught but some always do
There are numerous Elisabeth Finch-types in the world. She’s not unique in her behavior. There are people who recognize that they can receive attention, compassion and benefits by communicating false stories about harm and-or suffering.
So they exploit people’s trust and goodwill. The perpetrators often get away with it and for years sometimes.
Finch was a writer and a consulting producer on ABC’s successful television show “Grey’s Anatomy,” and has admitted that she lied about her health and personal life, writes Lisa Respers France at CNN.
What did she claim? For starters, that she had cancer. But, you see, she didn’t and she’s now owned up to it, saying she didn’t have “any form of cancer.”
“What I did was wrong,” she said. “Not okay. F***ed up. All the words.”
While it’s admirable for her to communicate this because some manipulators never will confess it and so strongly as Finch did, this mindset was not in place just before the behavior began and while it was taking place and growing in frequency and intensity.
This is common among people who enjoy getting away with exploiting others kindness and help. They lack impulse control, empathy and healthy forward thinking.
Finch, according to The Ankler, had communicated at one time she had been diagnosed with a rare form of bone cancer and lost a kidney and part of her leg, Respers France writes.
“She taped a dummy catheter to her arm and shaved her hair to feign that she was undergoing chemotherapy,” The Anklet detailed.
Look at what Finch has said after no longer being able to do the work she loved at her former job after resigning.
“I really miss it. I miss my fellow writers,” Finch told The Ankler. “It’s like a family and… one of the things that makes it so hard is that they did rally around a false narrative that I gave.”
How did it get to this and how does it get to this for many people who manufacture stories that appeal to people’s minds and hearts and sense of altruism?
“Finch said she began telling lies during the 2007 Writers Strike after she hurt her knee during a hike,” Vespers France writes. After she had knee-replacement surgery she noticed people were “so supportive.”
She noticed it. She liked it. She wanted more. She was willing to do what it took to experience that feeling often.
“It was one hell of a recovery period and then it was dead quiet because everyone naturally was like ‘Yay! You’re healed.’ But it was dead quiet,” she said. “And I had no support and went back to my old maladaptive coping mechanism — I lied and made something up because I needed support and attention and that’s the way I went after it. That’s where that lie started — in that silence.”
Attention.
This level of overdue self awareness and confession of social manipulation is noteworthy. You won’t read or hear many offenders detail humility, facts and truth. Their egos, entitlement and yes, fear, won’t allow them to do what is socially expected.
People usually lie about their lies and behavior. Finch, to her credit, is communicating transparently about the ugliness. But wait, there’s more.
She also reportedly lied to colleagues in 2019 by telling them her brother had died of suicide, when in actuality he is alive and living in Florida, Vespers France writes.
Pattern of sickness.
Not surprisingly, Finch says some family members have disowned her.
“I know it’s absolutely wrong what I did,” she admits. “I lied and there’s no excuse for it.”
Finch should have stopped communicating there. She couldn’t herself though and kept going, to her great detriment.
“But there’s context for it. The best way I can explain it is when you experience a level of trauma a lot of people adopt a maladaptive coping mechanism. Some people drink to hide or forget things. Drug addicts try to alter their reality. Some people cut. I lied. That was my coping and my way to feel safe and seen and heard.”
No, no, no, no, no!
What is she doing here? She’s rationalizing her behavior, excusing it, even though she doesn’t see and realize it. Finch is playing the victim too, again trying to tug on people’s heartstrings (sorry, this is factual) while she is playing the role of her own figurative defense attorney.
Finch would have been better served to “put down the shovel and stop digging” herself a larger hole of reputation damage. She confessed much but people will now mostly remember the rationalization, excuse making and attempts to make her offenses be interpreted as less serious.
Finch seems to have learned some hard lessons from her decisions and behavior yet her words send mixed messages. She may not understand this is happening.
Some people in the world right now are still exploiting people’s compassion and receiving benefits. Few will get caught, but that number isn’t zero. It’s a dangerous game.
Some offenders do get caught eventually and when they do, they have bypassed the best opportunities to make right and mitigate a lot more damage than they can now.
Michael Toebe is the founder and specialist at Reputation Quality, serving and helping successful individuals and organizations further build reputation as an asset or ethically, responsibly protecting, restoring or reconstructing it.