'I'm Not the Victim'
Being willing to admit behavior errors when you feel you are being singled out
Maybe we conduct ourselves in poor form at times or worse, habitually. It could be that we don’t care or more likely, we do care yet struggle anyway to stop doing what we shouldn’t and learn new, more socially-acceptable behavior.
A highly-praised leader in his field, as the saying goes, “acted the fool.” Never mind that he did so in a highly-competitive environment and profession (that’s no excuse). He compounded his behavior error with another one.
Not good.
Yet, then he caught himself and said: "I've created this for myself. I'm not the victim."
If critics understandably are going to scrutinize what came before he communicated that truth, then him saying this fairly quickly afterward should be positively recognized.
If nothing else, it helps decrease any negativity and allows for improved trust (more on that in a moment) and a more favorable narrative.
Quick backstory
Dan Hurley is the men’s head basketball coach at the University of Connecticut. His Huskies teams have won the last two national championships. He knows what he’s doing on the job. It isn’t a surprise that Hurley is intense. Most coaches are that way.
Last night, frustrated at the officials in a game, his actions ended up widely talked about on social media for Hurley apparently communicating in a moment of anger, "don't turn your back on me, I'm the best coach in the f---ing sport."
Yes, it was sports yet imagine that happening in a typical workplace or doing that with anyone in authority. It wouldn’t be taken well, just as it might be reasonable to assume it wasn’t taken well by the person to whom Hurley was berating.
The Initial Response is Important
Initially, Hurley was defensive.
"I just wish they put the camera on the other coach more," he said. "... I just wish they would show these other coaches losing their minds at the officials in other Big East games that I'm coaching where ... I'm not talking to officials; I see the other coaches as demonstrative as I am.”
He feels unfairly signaled out, which is a normal feeling when criticism comes. Hurley’s reputation, due to success and his temperament, are reasons why the camera is regularly on him.
At issue is what he was saying “I just wish… I just wish… I see other (people) as demonstrative as I am,” is not owning the errors he committed.
He was pointing fingers elsewhere when the focus should be on what he has done. That’s what people want to hear and will more positively respond to hearing.
To Be Fair
As soon as Hurley said what he communicated above, clarity, honesty and leadership came to him.
"I've created this for myself. I'm not the victim."
Better that he said it than not said it at all and better that he said it after first (and not after) saying what he originally did to explain and diminish what he did.
What’s the Point?
When we communicate aggressively and arrogantly, we are going to earn greater respect and probability of forgiveness and restoration of trust, even if somewhat diminished, if we show we have a firm grasp of reality and say or write something along the lines of what Hurley said, where he shows he gets it:
He created the increased scrutiny and he isn’t the victim for the questions he was asked about what happened.
It’s not just college basketball coaches or leaders in any sport that this article is about.
It’s about people like you and me, whenever we give into sub-optimal or poor responses to stress and anger, how we think people should respond to us in public or in the workplace yet they don’t tailor their reactions or responses to our needs or wants.
When we mess up, we can choose to explain and defend or we can choose instead to say, “I brought this on myself (with my negative reaction) and I’m not a victim (for being questioned about what I did and am now receiving criticism).”
Honorably, responsibly deescalate the problem and at a later time, respectfully address what you see as uneven, unbalanced, hypocritical, one sided or unjust.
Our negative reactions don’t usually occur in matters of life and death or other emergencies.
It’s not enjoyable having to be humble, especially when we determine something is unfair, wrong or unjust.
The problem is when we won’t be socially responsible and come up with reasons not to be so, it negatively impacts trust, reputation and relationships, now and moving forward.
That may not be the cost you and me are willing to pay or want to pay long term.
This newsletter — Reputation Intelligence — is written by Michael Toebe, and is a product of Reputation Intelligence - Reputation Quality, a firm which helps individuals and organizations assure a greater peace of mind, provide stress relief through reliable decision analysis, consulting, advisory and communications.
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