Helpful Apology Begins With Knowing What Not to Do
Most apology efforts are weak because we steer communication into the ditch
Some apologies are more certainly more challenging than others yet with a little more wisdom and character, we can rise above the foolish emotions we are feeling when faced with the prospect of apologizing.
Those emotions along with poor habits are a destructive, dangerous approach.
We can however simply increase the odds of giving successful apologies.
It’s helpful to know what not to do first, which is where people and organizations often make matters worse for others and themselves.
Recently, I came across an interesting article written by Alexandra Crimmins, an Operation Manager for Boylston Properties, which offered some smart suggestions to no further escalate hurt and negativity.
Let’s take a quick look at what she wrote and then briefly address each point.
Don’t make excuses
Don’t reassign blame
Don’t add comments to try and lighten the impact
Don’t talk about all the excellent work you’ve done
Acknowledge the hurt you have caused and say sorry
It should be obvious to us, yet we can forget at times, or often, that excuses are not accepted currency with other people when we make mistakes or act egregiously. Just as we wouldn’t try to pass off fake money for products or services, we should not try to pass off excuses as explanations. It never ends well.
Reassigning blame really inflames matters. We look like terrible people. It’s not received well and won’t help anyone successfully get out of the fire of a problem. It’s poor form and transparently bad behavior. We’re not fooling anyone either.
Don’t try to soft sell the mistake or significant error. We make the dispute, conflict or crisis far worse on ourselves when we do so. People don’t want to hear it and when we try to rationalize the impact, it makes forgiveness and a restoration of trust less likely.
Bragging on ourselves never looks good because it isn’t good. What it is instead is a defense tactic that people see through, showing them we can’t accept full responsibility or any responsibility and we want to pump up our character to make ourselves look impressive. Another losing move within a dispute, conflict or crisis.
Acknowledge the harm and the hurt. Yes. Double yes. Say it again! And say, with full humility and sincerity, “I’m sorry for….”
But do not, please, under any circumstances anytime, say anything along the lines of “I’m sorry you feel that way.” That just makes us look like a biggest (insert all ugly and maybe at times, accurate descriptions people can think of)!
Michael Toebe is the founder and specialist of Reputation Quality, a place where I work with individuals and organizations who recognize the critically important, valuable asset that a healthy, strong reputation is for them.