Communication: You Can't Go Back in Time So Exercise Self Control
Plus, 1) some people can't be trusted with power 2) Being honestly, publicly supported 3) Who's telling the truth? and 4) should you tell your wife?
You can’t put words back into your mouth once you say something hurtful, even if you sincerely didn’t intend to offend.
The pain of regret and backlash is real…"It's one of those minutes if you could just reach back and grab the words back, I would've," lamented Tampa Bay Lightning (National Hockey League) coach Jon Cooper, who is a a two-time Stanley Cup winner as a leader.
Cooper, the “league's longest-tenured coach, said he was sincerely sorry, especially as a father of two daughters who play sports and as a supporter of women's hockey,” reported the Associated Press, for expressing, in frustration, that goalies should wear skirts because of how the NHL protects them (too much) from aggressive offensive play.
Reality: Being careful in the moment with our communication is an extremely important professional — and life — skill. The poise to control foolish or dangerous comments is therefore an invaluable for our well-being.
Don’t like apologizing?
Restrain thy tongue and fingers (if communicating via email, text, tweet, etc.)
Some people just can’t be trusted with power.
How they get it and keep it is often beyond reason…’California superintendent fired for allegedly threatening students who didn't clap for her daughter,’ reports Doha Madani.
Students on a high school softball team alleged that a district superintendent named Marian Kim Phelps threatened their graduation privileges over a perceived slight of her daughter, who was on the team.
They addressed the school board at a meeting, alleging that Phelps believed the group had not clapped loudly enough for her daughter, NBC San Diego reported at the time.
After a softball awards banquet last May, students say, Phelps called and texted some of them late that night accusing them of not clapping for her daughter at the ceremony. She then reportedly threatened to revoke their graduation privileges if they didn’t apologize to her daughter, the students alleged.
Coach Tom Peronto is unhappy too, saying he spoke up and spoke out about Phelps behavior and in return, his way of earning income was threatened.
"Because I had exposed these abuses and emails to the board members, she then falsely accused me of verbally attacking a member of the board in the district parking lot, using this as justification to have me fired from coaching softball at Del Norte,” Peronto said.
Phelps says this is not who she is and what happened. Who knows for certain.
If it is factual, it is damning and will likely harm her in future professional pursuits. Being protective of family is one thing. Acting out and using power to satisfy personal expectations and demands is unethical and worthy of condemnation.
Phelps however can change public perception and influence judgment if she is willing to communicate in response in a manner that is expected: sincere, humble, understanding of how she impacted others and remorseful and committed to personal development.
When someone is willing to stand up for you by communicating publicly about your behavior warts and yet defend you at the same time…Musician Phil Demmel spoke honestly and respectfully about his working experiences with fellow musician Kerry King, reported Blabbermouth.net.
“(Kerry) gets this stigma of being a f*cking asshole or a f*cking d*ck,” Demmel says. “And he's not. He's a nice dude.
“And he's an empathetic dude. He's a caring guy about stuff.”
How’s that for going public with support and defense of a professional in your field?
Maybe Demmel should have stopped talking at that point. But he didn’t.
“It's not like he's this hardened d*ck and blah, blah, blah. There's just not a filter there where (he just says), 'No, I don't like that, or 'I can't do this because' blah, blah, blah.’
“And it's just straight-forward, man. And I wish people would kind of understand that about other people. It's not him being a f*cking… well, maybe it could be considered a d*ck, but that's not his intent. He's just, like, 'I'm not f*cking around. I'm not gonna bullsh*t you.'"
Not everyone respects that type of approach though and while Demmel is good with it doesn’t mean that most human beings find it professional, respectful and palatable.
King could learn some tact, if he cares how he is experienced and judged.
However, it is fascinating to see Demmel be honest about King’s razor sharp communication edges and yet speak to what he sees as a decent, good human too when he speaks about him.
An intriguing story where one woman accuses another of sexual assault, leading to the accuser’s resignation from an organization’s treasurer's office. This begs the question, Who is telling the truth?
A spokeswoman for the Colorado treasurer’s office — Sheena Kadi — has resigned from her job, weeks after her sexual assault allegations against a state lawmaker were found not credible by a judge.
Kadi had worked in state Democratic politics for years and held the position of vice chair for public relations and marketing for the Colorado Democratic Party. But party officials took away her duties, pending removal from her officer post, according to Saja Hindi at the Denver Post.
Kadi used social media posts to publicly accuse Democratic Rep. Leslie Herod of Denver of sexually assaulting her.
The judge didn’t buy it.
He “granted a yearlong protective order to Herod against Kadi, requiring her to stop posting about Herod on social media and to have no contact with Herod, including by maintaining a physical distance between them,” Hindi reported.
Kadi remains steadfast, saying that she “did not make any false claims.” She alleges, Hindi reports, that the court believed lies from several witnesses and that a fear of public retaliation forces “victims of sexual assault to suffer in silence.”
Herod rejects all claims made against her and “extremely painful.”
Two points: One, truth can — and is — often dismissed as falsehood. It’s deeply perplexing and excruciatingly painful to experience if you’re stating facts and truth.
Just because what is being stated sounds unbelievable and outlandish to you doesn’t mean it couldn’t have happened and didn’t happen.
Point two: Yes, it’s true that false allegations are made at times by people with rotted character, to punish people in a conflict.
So, in this story, the question remains: Who is telling the truth or giving us more facts?
The reputation of both people has been negatively impacted.
Has “justice” occurred or not? We really don’t know. But the answer matters.
It is possible to respectfully agree to disagree with a person who is trusted for their advice to others — and that’s what I’m going to do here.
In the column, “Ask Amy: My sister-in-law just told me she’s had a thing for me since high school,” relationship advisor Amy Dickinson stresses to a husband to tell his wife that her sister has come on to him because, Dickinson says, “If you want to stay in a primary and loving relationship with your wife, then you need to tell her about this episode.”
That seems like a curious assertion.
“Her sister has broken all sorts of norms and violated some pretty basic boundaries, but the one you should be most concerned about is her (the sister’s) insistence that you keep this a secret from your wife,” Dickinson reasonably says.
“Intimacy involves telling the truth and being brave enough to be honest about a situation that might wound the relationship between your wife and her sister. Holding this bombshell as a secret creates a bond with ‘Susan’ and distance from your wife.”
Again, respectfully agreeing to disagree, significantly.
And of course, you can disagree with me.
Let’s look at a few points. Dickinson asserts that “If you want to stay in a primary and loving relationship with your wife, then you need to tell her about this episode.”
The husband is and can remain in a “primary and loving relationship” with his wife as long as he turns his back on any interest now and forever from his sister-in-law and he communicates it directly to the sister-in-law. That is being loving.
Couples do not tell each other everything even if they say they do, because they care for each other’s emotions and feelings. It’s a falsehood that every event or perception and feeling in a committed relationship and marriage is communicated.
Communicating about interaction with the sister-in-law is a sure-fire way to cause traumatic pain and deep wounding to a wife and that is not loving.
Unless the husband gets intoxicated from the attention and reacts poorly by falling victim to it emotionally or physically (weakness and stupidity), he is unwise to tell his wife. Preposterous, you say? Offensive? Stupid? No.
He needs to tell the sister-in-law point blank that he is committed and loyal to his wife and their marriage and please do not bring up any interest in him going forward.
But telling his wife about her sister’s egregious error in judgment would open up a poisonous barrel of conflict between the wife and her sister that the husband will have no choice to endure and suffer forevermore in family interactions.
Communicating this foolishness of the sister-in-law creates high-drama in future family gatherings and interactions. The wife likely would be on miserable high alert for any small (perception) sign of attraction from her sister or husband, quick to anger with both of them, whether there was “smoke” or not. Knowing this could possibly lead to a lifetime sibling “divorce” or relationship “fracture.”
It could very well create a disconnect of marital, emotional and physical intimacy. Don’t think that can or would happen? That’s naiveté.
“It’s his wife’s decision, bozo!”
If it affects the husband’s mental health too and he doesn’t want to throw a live grenade into his wife’s (and in-law’s family) lap, it’s not her decision solely to make. He is being a leader by protecting his wife and family and additionally, his in-law’s emotional health.
The husband would be shortsighted to say anything to anyone but the sister. To her, he needs to be polite, sensitive, assertive, bold, clear and definitive that no further talk or actions of attraction by her can take place and the two will never be alone in any way, even when with family.
Then the husband, as a protector, has to, without exception, enforce those boundaries.
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Michael Toebe is a reputation consultant, advisor and communications specialist at Reputation Intelligence: Reputation Quality, assisting individuals and organizations with further building reputation as an asset or ethically protecting, restoring or reconstructing it.
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