'But It FEELS THAT WAY!'
Understanding that emotion is vital
You might disagree with other people’s pained emotions and want to dismiss or reject those emotions and the person. In some instances, you may be able to do so, at little to no risk. It’s a dangerous belief system to assume you can do it regularly, or always.
May I tell you a short story with an important, common, problematic reality that could protect you? I promise to add brief professional analysis and takeaway advisory.
Some years ago I became friends with someone and I was at their home one day when they received a phone call. When my friend got off the phone, she was extremely overwhelmed with emotion, to the point tears welled up in her eyes.
We went outside and sat on her front steps and she spoke of someone who made a decision that inspired anger and resentment in my friend’s mind.
The more she spoke and detailed the situation, the more pained she sounded and the angrier she got. I wanted to support and console her so in my man-like (foolish and suboptimal) way, I mentioned the possibility that the action of the person with whom she was upset maybe wasn’t intended to disrespect and upset her. What she said next has stayed with me ever since: “But it FEELS THAT WAY!”
As she turned to me and expressed that emotional conclusion, her face was full of overwhelm and anger. I realized first that I had no clue (surprise!) of the experiences she had in her life and how deeply she felt this experience and the emotions.
I should have chosen to sit patiently and compassionately with her in a way I presumed I was doing yet learned that I was not doing.
In human interactions and relationships (professional and personal), sometimes things are exactly as we perceive and judge them. Yet not always.
In these instances, the perceived reality may not be as it seems but we feel the perceptions and affects so strongly, so powerfully that it’s like a massive storm of emotion rolling over us, causing great damage to our peace and emotional balance.
This moment can be more complex than we realize, as our reaction can be rooted in our experiences, perceptions, triggers, traumas and maybe even biases.
When it comes to reputation, it’s wise therefore to always remember this very human reality and tendency, because it affects many people, interactions and relationships.
Right now, there could be a big problem that you may not have ever predicted, may not recognize or even believe is transpiring.
Not “seeing” this and knowing how to specifically, wisely respond negatively impacts how people will perceive, experience and judge you in that moment and moving forward, until or if you conduct the conflict “repairs” that the situation dictates is needed.
You might say to yourself — and many people choose to think it or say it to themselves, “I don’t care what they think.” You hear and read this often. It’s meant to to be emotionally and psychologically protective and in some instances, it’s wise counsel. Yet again, not always.
That belief and behavior, at least sometimes, can be arrogance and dangerous decision-making that brings along with it high risk that can result in you getting hurt badly, if not in the moment or near future, then eventually.
Resentment doesn’t die off easily or with some people, ever.
We know that people can be susceptible to vengeful impulses they choose not to control. They give into the rage and desire to retaliate for what they know or feel is wrongdoing. This can mean you are in danger in your professional and personal life, often without seeing the tornado, hurricane or attack coming.
As an acquaintance of mine once said, their face flashing back to painful experience, "Sometimes, you just want people to hurt like you hurt."
People can get to this vengeful mindset. And some are capable of creating havoc in your life, out in the open or covertly, legal but immoral. And sometimes, illegal.
Consider the importance of remembering that all people assign emotional meaning — accurate or not — to their experiences with us and regardless of what we say we didn’t mean or didn’t do, others might believe or say, “But it FEELS THAT WAY!”
Michael Toebe is the founder and specialist at Reputation Quality, serving and helping successful people further build reputation as a trustworthy asset and ethically, responsibly protecting, restoring or reconstructing its health and strength.