Build a 'Curiosity Check' into Your Biggest Conversations and Decisions
Most people are not developing themselves to be good at it, meaning that you can stand out and benefit in surprising ways
It would be a relief and powerful to be able to “transform your most challenging interactions from battles to be won into opportunities for mutual discovery and collaborative problem-solving.”
That’s what Jeff Wetzler, a learning expert, co-CEO at Transcend and author of Ask: Tap Into the Hidden Wisdom of People Around You for Unexpected Breakthroughs in Leadership and Life, states is quite possible.
The way forward and through the complex conversations with people, he contended in an article in the Harvard Business Review, is through the use of a Curiosity Check.
Why is that so vitally important in certain situations? One significant reason is what we believe may not be factual and as clear as we presume.
There is a quote attributed to the late author and humorist Mark Twain that echoes this evergreen truth. “It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.”
While I disagree that you can’t get into trouble with what you don’t know, it is true that problems, sometimes painful or excruciating ones, result from what we “know for sure that just ain’t so.”
Wetzler phrased it less famously yet more clearly:
The Hidden Cost of Certainty
“While this kind of preparation has its place, relying on it exclusively comes at the cost of examining your own assumptions and cultivating genuine curiosity about what you might be missing,” Wetzler wrote.
We can get overly comfortable not caring about we “might be missing” and that’s dangerous territory in which to feel overconfident.
“This preparation gap creates what behavioral scientists call confirmation bias —a mindset where you not only seek information that confirms your existing beliefs but actively filter out disconfirming evidence,” Wetzler wrote.
It’s a type of thinking trap and is far more common than is known and you’d be surprised, shocked even, how it gets captures the minds of the most educated, intelligent people, without them being aware of it.
That’s why certainty and confirmation bias frosted over it makes for problematic cognitive processing and decision making, for any of us.
“If you can cultivate genuine curiosity, especially under conditions of stress or threat, the benefits are enormous,” Wetzler added.
“Curiosity increases your ability to process new information and respond creatively to complex problems. It activates the brain’s learning and reward centers, increasing your capacity for insight and creative problem-solving.
“Curious individuals demonstrate greater resilience when facing unexpected information, such as pushback from your direct reports, colleagues or boss.”
Increases ability to process. Able to respond creatively to complexity. Increases capacity for recognizing insights. Improves problem solving. Become more resilient.
That’s a lot of desirable value and strength.
The Curiosity Check
The problem clearly defined, what now? Wetzler proposed a solution.
“I developed the Curiosity Check, which involves three steps,” he wrote. Better yet, he added, it “should take no more than five minutes before any significant conversation.”
Before moving on to what Wetzler says about the graphic and the process, pay close attention, if you will, to the zones of certainty. I hope you’ve never been in such struggles as I have experienced, which have included: self-righteous disdain, confident dismissal and skeptical tolerance in high-stakes conversations.
It’s surreal, baffling, illogical and unreasonable. That’s how certain people will interact when triggered by what they may or may not be cognizant is happening in their mind.
Sometimes people want to be incorrect and misguided and protect ego and territory. No amount of facts, context, logic, reason or manners is going to convince them.
Now, notice the zones of curiosity: cautious openness, genuine interest and fascinated wonder. If you interact with people with this type of poised, non-reactive, higher-level cognitive thinking, you will clearly recognize and remember it. It’s more rare than the norm.
A comfort level has to be present for the landscape to be fertile for this level of receptiveness. That comfort level requires a lack of or minimal presence of fear and absence of a need to dominate.
Step 1 of 3: Where are You Presently on the Curve?
“The Curiosity Curve, which was inspired by a model from the nonprofit organization Braver Angels, can help you become aware of your initial mindset walking into a conversation,” Wetzler wrote.
That’s more valuable than we may realize in the moment because it reveals our emotional temperature and how closed or open we are to engaging in helpful listening, expressing ourselves in the best way, having skilled and productive conversations and being able to make the most-sound decisions.
Maybe a Helpful Analogy
“Think of it as your leadership equivalent to the pilot’s most important gauge on a cockpit dashboard,” Wetzler wrote.
That gauge, whether in a cockpit or in high-stakes engagements, is vital to operating in an informed, navigational, successful and safe manner.
Briefly Interview Yourself
“Ask yourself, Wetzler advised, “‘If I encounter disagreement in this conversation, which zone will I mentally jump to?’ Be brutally honest.
“Are you approaching this interaction with disdain for the other party’s potential pushback? Are you dismissive of perspectives that differ from your own? Or are you genuinely open to learning something new?”
Those are all easy, smart and helpful questions. The key is being disciplined to do it, then being honest with ourselves. Remember, we can only control ourselves, not others and sometimes, we’re not properly priming ourselves going into conversations.
The Reality is Ugly
Yes, other people might not care about how they are going to communicate with us. We’ve all been there. They seemingly have no admirable character, manners or a desire to conduct themselves responsibly. That’s on them.
Rare is it though that we will succeed mirroring their behavior and often, we will come out of it worse. What’s the saying? "Don't wrestle with a pig because you both get dirty and the pig likes it."
Maybe you’ve allowed yourselves to walk into the mud and wrestle with pigs. It’s not productive and it’s an experience that makes you think you need a shower afterward.
The Problem
Wetzler makes a wise point when he says that most leaders “typically enter high-stakes conversations in one of the Zones of Certainty. While this positioning provides psychological comfort and apparent confidence, it undermines conversation effectiveness,” he wrote.
As you likely know yourself, one doesn’t have to be a leader to enter into a conversation this way. A lot of us do it and the interactions don’t develop well and often, go terribly sideways.
Step 2 of 3: Be Intentionally Curious
“It’s often unrealistic to reach the zone of Fascinated Wonder,” Wetzler admitted. “Instead, commit to moving one or two zones to the right of where you begin.
“For example, if you’re starting from Confident Dismissal, aim for Cautious Openness. If you’re at Skeptical Tolerance, try getting to Genuine Interest.”
Incremental movement in the right direction is progress and makes you more likely to be better and succeed or at least not come away with a big or bigger problem.
Step 3 of 3: Interview Yourself
“Curiosity Sparks are small-but-targeted questions that can help shift your mindset rightward on the Curiosity Curve,'“ Wetzler wrote.
He offered some suggestions:
What might the other person be struggling with that I’m unaware of?
What good (but unspoken) concerns, reasons or information might underlie their disagreement with me?
How might my words or actions be impacting them in ways I don’t intend?
What incorrect assumptions might I be making about the situation, issue or other person? Even if my assumptions are correct, what else might be going on that I’m unaware of?
What unspoken insights or ideas might the other person have that could address our challenge?
“Curiosity may be the ultimate competitive advantage,” Wetzler suggested.
Seems far fetched? Regardless of how important of a skill you might find it to be or not, curiosity is going to, in most (not all) situations, help you communicate better.
“The question isn’t whether you’ll face disagreement and pushback in your next high-stakes conversation,” Wetzler argued, “it’s whether you’ll be mentally prepared to transform that into insight and constructive action.”
You can develop a new excellence, earn trust and build a respected reputation with most people with this approach and process: the Curiosity Check.
Michael Toebe is a reputation and communications specialist at Reputation Intelligence and writes the Reputation Intelligence newsletter here on Substack and on LinkedIn. He helps individuals and organizations proactively and responsively with matters of trust, stakeholder relationships and reputation.
He has been a reporter for newspapers and radio, hosted a radio talk show, written for online business magazines, been a media source, helped people work through disputes, conflicts and crises and assisted clients with communications to further build, protect, restore and reconstruct reputation.